Feel

Before I get into the ooey gooey stuff that I've been thinking about, let me talk about starting my third year of college! 

I am taking four classses and a lab. (Plus a few other random credits.) Two classes toward my major and two classes toward my minor. Abnormal Psychology and Criminal Investigations are my favorite classes. Abnormal Psych in particular. (If you haven't read the Rosenhan article on Being Sane in Insane Places, give it a read when you have a chance. It is a piece of literature I believe every human should read, discuss, and study.)

Also I want to talk really quick about therapy. I don't keep it a secret that I go to counseling every other week. I believe everyone should, if only to learn and understand things about oneself and life. I have been blessed with a fantastic resource here at SUU called CAPS with very compassionate therapists. I have learned, grown, and begun to understand so much about myself from counseling. It is something I thoroughly look forward to. Talking is good talking to people and connecting with people and understanding people is good if not imperative to live. (So don't be afraid.)
Now, onto the gooey.

Don't be afraid.

I feel like such a hypocrite for saying that because if anyone's afraid I'm afraid but I'm serious. The worst thing you can do to yourself is to not do or do certain things out of fear. Don't ever not express or say something because you fear. Whether that fear is of whoever you're talking to, or what you're talking about, I think it stems from being afraid of being vulnerable.

I think it's fair to say that everyone is afraid of vulnerability. Especially true, honest vulnerability. The vulnerability that feels confusing and painful and like the most uncomfortable thing that could possibly exist.

Vulnerability for me feels like extreme physical, mental, and emotional exposure. It feels like anyone could hurt me if they wanted to at any moment. It feels completely unprotected and unsure and uncontrollable. The feeling of vulnerability has no words to fully and accurately describe it. 

I can think of I handful of moments of my life where I felt extreme, uncomfortable, real vulnerability. Looking back on those moments, I don't regret allowing myself to feel that way. As painful as it can be, exposure brings complete realness to the table. 

I'm talking so much about vulnerability because just the other day I felt more vulnerable than I almost ever have. And although it left me emotional and exhausted and exasperated, we need those moments in our life. They will teach us. They will heal us.

So I plead with you. Let it go. Let down the many many walls. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel. Let yourself be brave. Let yourself do anything and everything your soul needs despite the intense fear and anxiety that may come with it. 

Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel. When you love someone, you should tell them.

These are just random thoughts that have been stirring in my mind. I don't even know how to put what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling into words so this is my best attempt.

I leave you with the challenge: Do it. Do it despite the fear.

You are so loved.